Image by -RejiK via FlickrWell let me start by saying something about my last post- I was not referring to a Christian (moral) set of "rules" when I was talking about rule following. I was talking about the endless checklists- and (supposedly motivators) food logs that I make. Okay stay with me, I also make chore charts, and wear a pedometer to track how active I am. All these things can be very helpful --but my friends I am in a rut!!!! I had been so hard on myself everytime I didn't complete a list or stick to an exercise log or God forbid did not do every last thing on my chore chart (which happened a lot), that the enjoyment in life was being sucked right out of it!
I know God does not want me to feel sad, depressed and guilty! So I decided that there was nothing wrong with the life that the perfect heavenly Father had given me--- It had to be the way I am living it!!!
So I started with my last blog entry in my efforts to start changing my perspective on myself.
I cannot tell you how wonderful it was last week to not keep a single log, checklist, or any other form of self torture. I just lived! and I did however buy a brand new daily journal (a lovely lime green and yellow journal with a fresh set of pens) to record my experiences, my joys and my thoughts on gratitude.
Image by Wonderlane via Flickr
I had some moments where I really embraced some of the lovely things in my life; my youngest son's affection, a good laugh with my co-workers over a couple of cartoon characters that myself and the other Physical Educator "act like" and resemble, a thankful moment when my oldest son arrived home safely after a drive across town in the dark, a few funny pet moments, and some wonderful potato soup on a cold rainy evening. I knew my perspective was shifting when I found myself being really thankful for my fitness center, lol. I realized that I have great health, great kids, a very nice home and wonderful friends.
Image by State Library and Archives of Florida via Flickr
My biggest moment that seemed to truly be a reward (like a big hug from the Lord)- came on 3 different occasions. My co-worker had said "you are such a good person and you always put your kids ahead of yourself. You could not really do anything truly bad because your conscience won't let you". This brought tears to my eyes and I felt like I didn't deserve her endorsement on "goodness".
Then to my astonishment when out to a nice dinner with 2 of my best friends I was being told "you are the best mom that we know, and you are always choosing to do the right thing" - okay this was followed by "don't blow it now" , but I still felt unworthy.
There was a third moment that floored me and I was re-telling the above 2nd incident to a friend (and joking that I had them fooled) when this person stopped me and said "you really are very good".
Image via Wikipedia
I put all these moments together later and had a joyful cry that made me feel like I was wrong -- there are a lot of people that really believe that I am a valuable person who is truly "good". I am humbled and happy to have felt their adoration. I allowed myself to really take it in and feel it. Although, it makes me want to be better, I know that I am already leaving a positive impression by trying to make the right decisions. I have ate some good food and exercised for the joy of moving my body, and had some wine and beer, lots of laughter, continued to serve others and have tried to live in the present tense-- great week ---THAT IS JOYFUL LIVING!
Image by annstheclaf via Flickr